..."Wanderlust is a very strong irresistable impulse or desire to travel the world"
I love it here! This place is amazing, and hide so much history. People have been living here for generations, wonder how it was?
Who lived here? What kind of life they had, which secrets?
... I love how this place make me feel. I wish I never had to leave.
Things will happen when you let them. Get up, dress up, and show up!
The day lays in front of your feet, go out and grab it. Make it worth remembering.
I have often wondered about how life would be if i ever grew up at another place. In a different city even a different country.
Many times I have been thinking about the fact that it must be someone out there who is very much alike me. A person at the same age, facing almost the same joys and difficulties as me.
I often see her in front of me and think about what she could have done in a situation i am facing.
But at the end of the day,that girl, is just another version of me. Its like the twin sister i never had in my life. Except from the fact that she lives in my head, and she is me, but not a real me.
I find myself thinking abput her in situations when i do feel insecure, afraid or sad. But also when i feel happy and adventures. Her name is "Alyssa" and she has helped me a lot.
Often when i am nervous or need to show the best side of myself i pretend to be this girl. My brain is repeating "I am Alyssa and i know i can do this".
I guess we all need that little extra boost or kick in the ass sometimes to do something that is a bit unusual or unexpected to us.
I feel like to different persons, the fearless Alyssa and me, but together we make a great team. We are doing the same things but, but take action in different ways.
Alyssa in my inner fearless and crazy motivator. And the best thing is... She is ME.I have created her, and i still do.
A few years ago she sat down talking to an elder relative about a challenge she was afraid to face. She could not remember a lot from the conversation, but she remembered some wise words she got, a quote that had affected her life in so many ways. The quote said:
"it is better to regret something you did, that to regret something you never did it at all".
Every time she was stuck in one of life's many problems she thought about the quote. Every time she did something good and even the times she did something she was not so sure about. The quote had helped her through a lot of difficulties, and thinking back on some of the situations she was happy she did what she had to, in stead of watching from the sideline. Sure, she was regretting a lot of things, but the thought of never doing it at all was terrifying to her.
Once again she was stuck in a sort of problem, this time about a guy. Not just a random guy, but that guy. She had been giving him long looks from a distance for a very long while, but never done something about it. Every time she saw him she was thinking about the quote, but with him it was just way to scary to ask him for anything. Even when she knew that she was just tourtouring herself by just adore him from a distance instead of actually talking to him and get an answer. The guessing and analyzing of his actions towards her and other girls was tearing on her.
She often day dreamed about this guy. How it would be to know him. Cuddle with him and even kiss him. But she would never know how this might end if she was going to stand watch him from the sideline... She had to do something about it, and she was going to. She layd a plan in her head. A coward plan, about getting slowly more contact with him. And she knew just where to start, with meeting his eyes, hold the state at him for 2-3 sec and then look away. She had often read about body language, and this should be a great way if making him more courious and make him get a knowing that she might liked him without telling him about it.
Even though her quote always went through her mind when she saw him she was afraid. Afraid of what might happen if he knew how she really felt about him.
From the book "one in the crowd", chapter 3 "young and stupid leads to old and wise".
"Behind every dream that comes true is lays a lot of inspiration, hard work and tears"
And I did I guys! I blown my own damn mind at my exams. I have worked so hard for his and to finally see it pays of is such a wonderful feeling!
"To be wise and old, you first have to be young and stupid"
This year I have come a long way. I have finished my fist year on my study and learn incredible many new things. But even before starting my study back in the fall, I already knew I would learn a lot of new things. The big surprise is how far I have developed myself, just by slowly changing my way of thinking. At the first exam I layd in my bed sleepless for two weeks before the exam day, and now 9 months later I do not even feel worried about my exams who is next week.
The point of this post is not to tell you how far I have come, cause I mean who cares? You guys do not even know me. But just to point out how much you can change yourself for the better just by changing your thinking style. I do not talk about changing yourself as becoming more popular or look hotter, but just by how you can feel better about yourself on the inside. You and your mind and thoughts will always be around and with you.
You can not hide from yourself or your thoughts, no matter how much you may want it sometimes. We have all been there and experienced that times when you just wish you could get a break from your thoughts or your brain. Especially in those times when we feel a bit depressed or even when we are in love. Because how many seconds of your day is it when you do not think about you latest crush or daydream about "the perfect life"? If you answered "none", you where correct;-)
Now, let us talk about Sundays (or any other day of the week for that matter). What do you usually so on Sundays? Beeing hangover? Chilling in front of the tv or computer? Ye, I thought so too.. But the next day you do not have anything to do one day, go and do something new. Something exciting, something you might never thought of doing, explore, and live! Surprise yourself.
Sometimes we just need to blow our own damn mind! And that is done best by, exactly yourself.
From "one in the crowd", chapter 4 " blow our own damn mind, but not with a gun though"
Because sometimes life takes an unexpected turn and hit us in the face...
People surprise us in unexpected ways.
Just remember that the road is made by walking, and sometimes that's all
you really need to know.
They say when one door closes another one opeans. And as true as it is, the new door dosent always meets the standards. The expectations towards a new door, and a new beginning is always high, but at the same time my mind tell me to keep it real.
The last month when one door has closed I have ended up in a hallway with ten different doors to choose from. I have opean one door many times, and closed it again just as many. But no matter how many times I close it I still want to opean it again. Just to see if something has changed. Deep inside I know it is all the same, but I can't seem to stay away. Door number 9. My lucky number, or at least it used to be.
Maybe it is time for me to opean a door I haven't opened before. A door to a new place, a new world and maybe even a new life. Maybe even take the stairs to a new floor I haven't experienced yet. But then again I am so safe where I say now. I fear the unknown. And for what reason? What good can possibly come out of that?
Little do I know. And little do I understand. But I have experienced that sometimes you have to look a door, take the key and give to someone else. Why be the one who hides, when you can be the one who seeks?
From "a different side of the story", chapter 6 "first name A, last name S"
Sunny days and rainy days we all have them. I do not talk about sunny days or rainy days in the meaning of the weather,but in the meaning of mood, what happend and just how that particular day has been in general. I have a lot of sunny days in my life, maybe even more days than i can imagine. But it is the rainy days we remember the best, isnt it? the days when you "hate" life, and all what happens that day.
I have a lot of negative thoughts. Not because my life is sooo miserable or awfull in any way, but just because it is the way i am built. But the last months i have tried to think more positive. When something negative has happen to me, instead of saying "why me?", i say "try me!". And just that little quote i found a late night at "weheartit.com" has helped. Just simply changing the way you are thinking. I have also read and seen some movies on youtube about mindfullness, how to handle stress, how to think positive and so on. it has helped. It is all about our influence! negative influende automatically turns into negative thoughts, and vice versa. and your mind influences you!
In one of the youtube videos i saw there was a doctor talking about how to deal with things. He had delivered bad news to one of his patients, and the answer he got had surprised him, and was something he had thought about everyday since. The patient reply on the bad news was "i follow the 10-90 rule. I mean that 10% in life is what happens to us, and 90% is how you take it.
Try changing the way you are thinking. Read some articles or books. See some videos. Just do something about it. "It is all in your head" and "only your mind can stop you" is two of my new favourite quotes. Your mind decides most of you life, how you are feeling, what you are feeling and so on.
If you are starting a new project about something, why not start with yourself? You are always going to be together with yourself and your thought is going to follow you anywhere, al the time in life. Just remember that.
And if you have a bad day...
"Things needs rain to grow, sunlight can not do it alone.."
"Its funny how some things gives us an overload of energy just thinking about it, but still we dont do it"
Today i had a day off. Off from school, work, comitments and everythign else that i usually needed to do.The weather was very nice, the sun was shining,blue sky as far as you could see and the bird was singing and all that. The whole day layed ahead of me, ready to be fromed excactly the way i wanted it to be formed. But it never got formed the way i wanted it to be formed, and that is my foult.
The thought of drinking a couple classes of wine during daytime apeared to my head more than once. Not because of the fact that i am an alcoholic, but simply because my life is... boring. I have so many thoughts of things i want to do. Not just big things such as travelling the world, become great at at what i do and so on. But simlpe things as just having fun, and feel excited. Well, happiness and excitment does not excactly grow on trees, but it is not that difficult or timeconsuming as the bigger goals i have.
The worst of it all is the fact that the oppertunity to feel excited layes rigth in front of me. In this very moment, rigth now. Why just not do it, you migth wondering. But the truth is that i have no answer to that question. All it takes is one call to "that person"and i have gotten excitment enough for a whole month. The problem is not that i can not call "that person" because it is embarresing, impossible or difficult. The problem layes with me. I do not know what it is, but i do not feel that i can do it. Even though i will, so bad.
So what is this call all about anyway? Well, it is a guy. Not someone i like, or are in love with what so ever, but just the way he is. He is so adventurus and exciting in a way. Who is he? Oh, did i forgotto mention he is a player when it comes to girls? He is,a good one too. He is "THE player". All he says makes me wanna go to his place and have a little fun, if you knw what i mean;).He texts me a lot and asks me if i wanna meet up, come over to his place, havea little fun. And i want to, but the more excuses i make, the more courious he gets, and so do i. I just can not meet him. Even though i am not afraid, embarresed or anything, i do not know what it is but something is stopping me.
This day, all these magical experiences, the excitment, having fun... Did never happen. Because of something i do not know... One minuit is all it would take to convince him to come over and have a little fun with me. By one small hour it would all have happend, and i would be filled with excitment!
Today i choose the headline "makeup off", because today i wrote about the naked truth. Totally unsensured and maybe a little too much to share. But still i choose to publish, i do not know why, and i do not know why or what is stopping me from the excitment...
Need a little kick from someone or something.. What to do?
Do you know that feeling when you highest wish at one time come true months later when you do not care so much about it?
Well that happend to me today. And it was like a victory. Another goal to hook of my "wish-it-will-happen"-list.
Anyways, that guy was giving me loong looks and smiled at me a lot at a school arrangement last week. It was super fun, and i felt soo happy! I smiled back at him, and he had an on going secretly non-verbal flirt through the whole tournament. So sneaky and exciting! I wish we could have som more contact in our everyday life though. But i guess you can`t get everything you wish for in the world.
... Or can you? ;)
"Keep your head up. God gives his hardest
battles to his strongest soldiers"
"We are all fighting our own battels, just hope someone would understand mine sometimes"
Have way to many thoughts these days, hopefully it will all very son be over.
"Accepts your war, and win it!"
"We can breathe in space.
...they just don't want us to escape"
I have gotten a lot of questions lately about my dreams. "What's your dream?", "what your goal?". And I don't have any special wishes or goals. Of course I have some things that I sort of always have wanted to happen, but I don't feel like there is any purpose to plan everything. The last years I have noticed that my passions have grown stronger as I have grew older. And I am so happy that I have choose, what I feel, is the right path for me.
My wish right now, is to get him as a valentines date. Hope he will invite me or at least send me a text. But I don't know what will happen.
The world is a magical place, and you are a part of it all. But maybe out in the space it is a better place? We are not alone in this universe.
Hi, you remember that guy I have been talking about? The guy I have sent some texts with, but never meet after that amazing party night for some months ago. Anyways we have talked some and have planned to meet some time very soon. Right before Christmas he send me the cutest text asking me if I could find some time for him so we could meet up when the holidays were over and when we both where back in town. I answered him and said "yes, that would have been great:)".
On New Year's Eve I send him a texts wishing him a good new year and hoped he had a great celebration. But I never got any answer back. So now I am sitting here and don't know how to feel about it. As earlier mentioned I am not I love with him,but just the feeling that he does not reply stresses me a bit. And all he typical thoughts comes to my brain. "Dosesnt he like me anymore?", "have he found someone else?", "is he tired of me and him never meeting?", "have he something going on with somebody else?". I guess you get the picture... If he have found someone else I feel so happy for him, by all meens. But still, what now? What about me and us?
All I know is that the show must go on. And earlier he has always replied me as some point, even thought this is not the first time he has not been answering my texts. Just because he is so bad at replying, and he admit it himself as well as he has told me he is sorry multiple of times because of his late and sometimes non reply texts.
But I always get some text from him sometime, but not this time... I have said this soapy times before and every time he proofs me wrong. I hope he will text me soon again, bale wise he seems like a really nice guy. Bit as I said the show must go on. And my life is cutie a show, at least in my head. ;-)
Hope you all had a great New Year's Eve! I did not get any kiss and noon, hope you guys did. Specially from your beloved or secret one. No matter what happens, it can ways be better, always remember that!
"But in the end it was all worth it", she said to herself as she layd in bed. And she believed it. She was following her dreams and all thought it was overwhelming and way to much to do she knew that in the end everything would be okay.
She kept dreaming of the new year and all the opertunities that layd in it, just waiting for her. This year it was all about to change, she was moving to another country and the whole world layd in front of her feets.
A lot of things had turned her down, but every time she got up. Because the spark deep inside her never stopped shining. She was stronger than what she had assumed, she wouldn't let anything break her down for long periods of time. All the pain, work and thoughts was so hard. But she knew that in the end, it was all worth it.
Today in class our teacher told us to close our eyes and think about something wonderful. It should be a thought about anything as long as it was positive to you. In our minds everything is possible with imagination, she said! The first that entered my mind was the guy I have been texting a bit with lately. "Think about whatever you are thinking about so hard that it will fill your entire body!", my teacher said. And I did. I thought of me and him laying on the cauch cuddling, kissing and talking to each other. He held his arms around me and looked into my eyes and then he kissed me (in my thoughts of course...). My entire body just started reacting, my heart beated faster, my pulse was running faster and my whole body become warm. And it felt like my entire face was blushing.
He was the perfect guy. His brown eyes just looked at me and adored what they saw. His strong arms held around my waist and his lips was so soft and warm. His kiss felt like the most amazing thing in the world. In this class bit the inside of my cheeks trying not to smile. In my thoughts he was the perfect guy, because I created him the way I wanted him to be. All of a sudden he got up from the cauch grabbed my arm gently and led me into the bedroom. The light was turned off, the only thing making light was some candles he had turned on fire. It was the most romantic place. He lifter me up and carried me to the bed where he slowly putted me down. He layed himself on top of me and kissed me softly. Then he took of his shirt and mine. We both layed there feeling our skin against each other.
"Now open your eyes" said the teacher. Suddenly I was back I reality, in the boring, grey-looking classroom. I wished so bad that this was going to happening, but i grus sit dont. Just as the thought of it might never happen had hitted me i was thinking to myself; with a little effort and a lot of currage This might happen some day. It was such a magic moment in my everyday classroom.
"Dreams become true when they are turned into gols"
Maybe someday it might just happen;)
So guys, it's on again. I got a text from the boy who wanted to meet up yesterday. For the first weekend in a long time I was not out partying, and of course he was! I just wonder where it will all end. I am not in love with him, but the thought of meeting him is so exciting! I love to always have someone, boy(s), who sends me texts and care for me in some way, and as of now he is that one to me. So as always I have a plan, this time I have planned to invite him over. Not as in a date, but just if I get a text from him asking me if I am out I will say yes, even if I am not. I will go out and meet him, and the invite him to stay the night with me. You probably asking yourself why I did not invite him sooner and why I want him to sleep over if I am not interested in him. We, the reason why I have not asked him to stay over is because my roomies are home, but they will go home for Christmas next week and then I have my whole appartment to myself. So if he stays the night no one needs to know;) the reason for why I want him to spend the night when I am not interested is for fun. I am only young once (IOYO) haha! And why not have a little fun? I am pretty sure he is also just looking for some fun, but if he really is interested, then I will not play with him. To sum it all up, have some fun and don't worry so much about everything! I am excited!!
Over to something different, project of this week is have fun and be flirty.
Haters gonna hate and all that, but I want to have fun and when I am old I will not live with regrets of why I didn't take the chance while I had it.
Can't wait for the next text, even if it is me or him who sends it. Feel like it is my turn to text him first, so I probably will.
Now I am gonna dream about my life and sleep. Have a fantastic week everyone.
"Things doesn't get fun by themselves, you have to create the fun";-)
Just the way you held around me, tight. Your smell, look and loving words. This was really it I thought to myself, this was the moments I had been waiting for so long to happen. - just as the thought had hitted me I woke up from my dream. It was a strange dream where you was so sweet and kind towards me, just as I had imagined to myself.
But I woke up, and was a bit dissapointed that it was all just a dream, but on the other hand I was relived. I don't know what is was but this kind of wave of love had hitted me the last weeks. I want to feel loved and have fun with boys. I want someone to hold around me, watch movies with and just someone to lay in bed with all day. But the million dollar question was where to find him?
My search started... Eh well, everywhere!(?) I was kind of desperate, but not too desperate. Matter of fact I was kind of picki when it came to boys. I don't want a boyfriend because I have no time for that now, but just a boy to call, talk to and cuddle with. I miss having someone to hold around me and kiss me good night, and all my lately dreams was a reflection of that. The more I thought of wanting a "cuddle-guy" the more I started to make plans. And plans always needs a goal, right?
Therefore I have decided to do something about it. My plan is on.
And btw, that guy I have been planning to meet up with again, well we never can make it. Both of us is very bussy with school, and out life in general. But I know that one day we will meet and then I will just see what happens. I have small expectations for us, one of the reasons is me. I am just not as interested as I should be. Even thought the thought of meeting him is very tempting.
I guess I just am desperate for some action now a days. A quote once heard had been stuck with me theast years since I heard it. "Never regret or fear anything before you are in it". And that quoted is so true, just think about it. Things does not always turn out the way you might think. Often for the better!
Have a wonderful week everyone, and good luck with your manhunt;-)
"I am in an all white party wearing all black"
Back with some more gossip. He texted me Friday and Saturday. He wanted to hang out but it did not match our schedules neither of the days. We planned to meet next weekend, so I hope that will happen. It's nothing more special than that. So I uses it is not as fun gossip for you guys to know, but I just need to share it. Maybe I will be back next weekend with some more gossip, and I hope it is more interesting than some texts;)
Anyways, tomorrow is a new week, and is back on track with studying and late nights with books. I kind of like it, but at the same time I would like to just fool around on the internet and do whatever I want, when I want. But it's all getting me closer to the goal and my dream job in the furture.
I have decided to start with new a weekly project. So every week will be a theme week. My first one is to learn how to stand on your hands. Simple goal, but I will be able to do things with my body. So I will focus on body control this week. Remember, you don't need New Years to get a new start, all you need is Monday. And since there are ca 52 mondays in a year you can appomplish a lot in just a year. Why not start now?
"Yesterday you said tomorrow"!
"We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair"
- royals, lorde
Talk to you soon:)
You guys must think i am bipolar or something, bevause my mood goes up and down like crazy. But i am not, I just have a lot to think about now a days.
Anyways, this weekend I am so excited for! I am going out with some girls in class and "the one" is probably also going out, and we have planned to meet. Super excited!! wonder what to wear though? all I know is that I am going to be drunk and have so much fun, with or without him:) But before this wonerful weekend that layes ahead of me, i have some very long hours againwith studying.
update will come for sure;)
"I am not sayin I am Batman, i am just saying no one has ever seen Batman and I in the same room"
Never in my life had I felt so alone. I guess it is a part of growing up. Finding people you can relay on and people who is important to you. My family was important to me, and I say was because the where more important before. Last time I saw them I got the same feeling back as I had when I lived with them. And the feeling is no good. When I saw them it made me feel like I don't want this. I want something more, someone more caring and thoughtful. Don't understand me because they to everything for me, but not in the right way, and not enough... I have to cry, I have some many mixed motions of most bad things than I need to get out. But I can't cry. I am holding on trying to be strong, but very soon the barrier will be down and so will I. I am at the edge to a motional breakdown. And I don't know how to handle it. Nobody knows because I am always trying to act strong, happy and independent but I am not.
I have been looking for opportunities to help me make this. All of my own therapeutic ways wouldn't seem to help anymore. I have realized I need more help from a profession. Therefore next week I will be seeing a psycholog. I need someone to guide me to the right life I want to have. Cause lately everything I used to like I don't like anymore. And I am tired going around holding my crying inside like a big clump in my throught. I just can't handle this anymore.
But on the other side my life is not all bad. You know that guy that always keep coming back when I think he never will? Well, he texted me yesterday wondering if I wanted to hang out with him. And as always I turned him down, I told him no.. But I reverted it later and send him a text asking if he wanted to hang out next weekend, and he said he would. So that was a light in my everyday life. But on the other hand I am not interested in him, at least not that much..
I just don't know what is wrong with me... Nothing seems to be fun anymore. All I want is to jump 5 years ahead in my life and see if some good changes has happen.
I don't know why I am writing this even. Maybe compassion? Help? Or a solution? I have no clue, but whatever can help me right now, I'll take it.
"Life is like a roller coaster and right now it seems like mine has a motor problem at the bottom..."
She straigthens her hair
puts her eyeliner on
glosses her lips
and take one last look in the mirror.
...All for the guy who wil never care.
BOOOM! its on again. I send him a text yesterday, did not get any answer before this morning.
He wrote a long message asking me questions and so on.I wrote him back. He ended the conversation with the texting "we need to catch up after your vacation".
I was jumping, smiling and screaming. Everytime when i thinki have lost him, he keeps coming back. I have not talked to him in a long while, but here the other day i saw
him at school. I pretended i did not see him, but i know he saw me. I am so excited to meet him after my vacation. Nervous,but yet so high on life.
Hoping i get to kiss him, thats my goal for the night, as well as getting a secound date.
In another way i do not want to be together with him, but why not have a little fun? I think he have the thought.
As everything seemed to broke down in her life, she went for a run in the rain. That was her way of solving problems. She loved the rain, it gave her a feeling that the weather felt as she did. Angry, mad and disappointed she was listening to high music as she runned down the streets full of colorful leaves. All of a sudden a thought was brought to her mind and that was that everything was gonna be okay. So she stopped running and just smelled the fresh atumn air. When she came home she found a we page telling her "that guy's" schedule for school. She hid her smile for the others in the room, but inside she was jumping of happiness. Now she had a reason to smile. She had found a way of meeting him "randomly". Maybe this was the chapter of something new and exciting that she had been waiting for? She went to bed, her thoughts was spinning around. But she was happy. It was just another day in her life when things turned out exfac toy the way she wanted. Or at least it was a start to what she wanted.
She laid in her bed all teared up.
The guy she wanted was an idiot and seemed interested only when he wanted to be interested. School was hard and very difficult. The fear of losing him layers in the back of her head all the time. Suddenly everything in her life seemed to hit the breaking point. She cried alone in her bed just thinking of all the sad things who had happen lately. Even though the girl was afraid deep inside she knew that the only thing that could stop her from getting what she wanted was herself.
She was often sad, but she knew that deep
Inside her the spark never stop glowing. She was unstoppable in the end. Things had broken her down many times, but every time she got up. Things was in constant change, and she hated it as much as she loved it. Before she went to sleep she whispered to herself "the road is made while walking". And that was a saying she would never forget. She smiles as her tears runes down her face, cause she also remembered that it is in an incline it goes upp. That was the definition of her and her life.
I posted a new profile picture on Facebook the other day. Many people liked it, and among them was you. I guess it is true what people say; "sometimes just one person is enough to make you happy".
The truth is, all the other people who liked the picture can not compare with you alone. Your like meant more than anyone's like! You should only have known how much it meant to me, and how long I can live on that.
Well, i meet him at wednesdayand it was... eh great to see him again.
One of the first things I saw when i entered the room was him. I got all nervous and excited.
I have had the pep-talk with myself, wherei had promised to talk to him if i got the chance.
Well, 3 secounds later i passed him. I said `hi`and smiled, and he replied with `hi`and smiled. He was busy with somethings so the conversation had to end there, naturally.
I watched him all day, and got some looks from him. not the normal look, if you know what i mean;)
Later that day we texted a bit, and continued the next day as well.
Now i havenot talked or seen him in almost a week. Im just so afraid to send that text... asking if he want to hang out.
But there will be more oppertunities, and im gonna wait for them and grab them.
Wish me luck!
Lots of love from me (litterally!)